Emotional Mastery Series #8

If you really want to master your emotions -self-actualize. That is, make real (actualize) your best version of you so that you become as Carl Rogers said a “fully functioning person” and as Abraham Maslow said you access your “full humanness.” And if you do this, what will you feel? How will you handle your emotions? What will be different about your emotional life?

Well, first and foremost, you will have lots of energetic vitality. By gratifying your basic needs truly (and not falsely or through distortions) and adequately (sufficiently, not perfectly or one-hundred percent), those driving impulses (“needs” or requirements for living) will be gratified and “go away” thereby allowing the next level of drives to emerge. And after the levels of basic needs the self-actualization needs emerge. And when these are the inner driving impulses of your life-then you will be living passionately with a strong sense of purpose, inner value, and joy.

In self-actualizing you will be giving accurate meanings to your basic and higher needs which will enable you to truly and adequately gratify your inner impulses and drives. As you then learn effective and adequate coping skills, you will satisfy those needs which, in turn, will release your energy and vitality. That’s the design of your “needs” as well as the sign that you have gratified them truly and adequately.

The vitality that you will be feeling will be an energy to live fully, to be your best self, and to strive to contribute and make a difference. That’s what “self-actualization” means and if I belabor this, it is because of the myth that connects it to selfishness. The truth is that self-actualization is not about you, it is through you, but paradoxically not about you. This vitality involves experiencing those moments that Maslow called “peak experiences.” These are those little moments that happen to everyone (or nearly so) in which, for that moment, you sense that “life is good, it is precious, it is sacred.” And in that moment, you are again “in love with life” and are “surprised by joy” (C.S. Lewis) and are able to appreciate freshly as if for the first time, again.

All of this is one side of the self-actualizing emotional life. There is another. The other involves being able to experience your emotions- all of them, the negative ones as well as the positive ones- fully and accurately. And as you do so, you lose your fear of any of these emotions. After all, they are just emotions- just the somatic or bodily experience of the meanings being activated in your mind-body system. And now you can use the negative emotions for their best value- to stop, look, and listen and see where you need to make some life adjustments.

Now as a self-actualizer, you can much more effectively and efficiently use your fear, anger, sadness, stress, frustration, vulnerability, tenderness, etc. to be more fully alive and more fully human. Now you can allow yourself to fully experience the emotions without being overwhelmed by them or think that you are going to “lose control.”

By self-actualizing, what you will feel will be more appropriate to the contexts and situations of your life. Here’s what Abraham Maslow said about people actualizing (making real) their inner drives and integrating what could be dichotomies. This came after his study of the fully human self-actualizing subjects that he studied:

“It seemed to me that … it could be traced back to the relative absence of fear in my subjects. They were certainly less enculturated; that is, they seemed to be less afraid of what other people would say or demand or laugh at. They had less need of other people and therefore, depending on them less, could be less afraid of them and less hostile against them. Perhaps more important, however, was their lack of fear of their own insides, of their own impulses, emotions, thoughts. They were more accepting than the average. This approval and acceptance of their deeper selves than made it more possible to perceive bravely the real nature of the world and also made their behavior more spontaneous. … they were less afraid of being laughed at or of being disapproved of. They could let themselves by flooded by emotion.” (1968, Toward a Psychology of Being, p. 140-141).

About what happens to the experience of anger in a self-actualizing person, Maslow described the change in this way:

“In the healthier person, anger is reactive (to a present situation) rather than a characterological reservoir from the past. That is, it is a realistic effective response to something real and present, for instance to injustice or exploitation or attack, rather than a cathartic overflow of misdirected and ineffective revenge upon innocent bystanders … Anger does not disappear with psychological health; rather it takes the form of decisiveness, self-affirmation, self-protection, justified indignation, fighting against evil, and the like.” (1968, p. 162)

“The ability to be aggressive and angry is found in all self-actualizing people, who are able to let it flow forth freely when the external situation ‘calls for’ it.” … “a child should learn not only how to control his anger, but also how and when to express it.” (1968, p. 195)

Emotional Mastery Series

•  What is an Emotions (#1, 2 & 3)
•  Pseudo-Emotions (#4)
•  Emotional Continua (#5)
•  Emotional Tolerance (#6)
•  Don’t just feel, Do Something! (#7)

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Emotional Mastery Series #5

Having provided an operational definition and description of what an “emotion” is (#1-#3) and that no every emotion is a real emotion (#4), I now want to present another perspective for thinking about emotions- one that will assist in experiencing more emotional mastery.

The perspective is to view any given emotion on a continuum.  If you think about your emotions in terms of a continuum, you can get a fuller and richer view of your emotions.  If you position any given emotion (the basic emotions) on a continuum, you thereby make it possible to begin to identify the other emotions that cluster around that one.  This will enable you to see the relationship between similar emotions and that will lead you to see how one emotion can shade or evolve into another emotion.

As an example, think about anger and the emotions similar to anger, the emotions that cluster around anger.  I first discovered the value of thinking about emotions in terms of a continuum many years ago when I took a contract with the Department of Corrections in the State of Colorado.  My job was to work with men who were leaving one of the Federal Penitentiaries in the state and to enable them to develop some anger control.  A year or two later I took another contract on the same subject, but the second group was composed of a bunch of boys, ages from 14 to 18, who were in a lock-up-situation for being convicted of a violent crime.

Displeasure Scale

• Violence
• Out-raged
• Rage
• Wrath
• Fury
• Ire
• Anger
• Indignation
• Offended
• Stress
• Frustration
• Agitated
• Upset
• Vexed
• Irked
• Dislike
• Annoyed
• Bothered
• Peeved

What I stumbled onto in engaging the two groups for anger control was to ask the men and the boys about the emotions they experienced before and after they experienced “anger.”

• Before you get angry, what are you feeling?
• What would you call that feeling or emotion?
• When anger stops being anger, what is it?  What do you then call it?

That led to a whole list of anger words: rage, wrath, fury, ire, indignation, offended, stress, frustration, agitated, upset, vexed, irked, dislike, annoyed, bothered, peeved, etc.   Then, working with the men and boys about this list of words, I put them into a scale- an Anger Scale or as I later labeled it: A Displeasure Scale.  I did that because displeasure is the message of anger- displeasure with something that’s not going the way we want it to go.

There are many words for describing kinds and intensities of displeasure:

Anger: “Anger” is the general term for the emotional reaction of displeasure, typically strong displeasure.  Anger refers to a sense of threat to your person and values.  You can experience rational and irrational anger, in-controlled anger or out-of-controlled anger, useful verses unuseful anger; current and appropriate anger and old dated angers. Anger does not refer to any outward expressions, only to the feeling of threat and desire to aggress.

Prior to the emotion of anger, we experience the levels and intensities of displeasure as:

• Upset: a state a disorder, confusion, disturbed, decomposed, a disorder that may range from minor to major.
• Annoy: feeling disturbed or irritated, something wearing on the nerves.
• Vex: more provocation than just annoyed, feeling perplexity and anxiety.
• Irk: having difficultly in enduring & resulting weariness or impatience of spirit.
• Bothered: feeling bewildered, upset, interference with peace of mind.
• Peeved: irritation, mild mood shift to resentful, holding a grudge.
• Peevish: querulous in temperament, fretful, contrary, marked by ill temper

When anger grows in intensity, then we have:

• Ire: great intensity and exhibition in words and deeds.
• Fury: even more violence and connotes a degree of temporary madness.
• Indignation: righteous anger at a commonly agreed upon unfairness, injustice, or meanness.
• Wrath: either rage or indignation and suggests a strong desire to avenge or punish.
• Rage: anger, sometimes including violent actions.

The Displeasure Scale – of Anger

When it comes to the emotions of displeasure, there is a wide range of descriptive terms we can use to sort and separate levels, intensities, and kinds of displeasure.  By developing the ability to distinguish these kinds of negative anger emotions saves the emotional energy of true anger for those events and situations that truly violate our values and call for a strong emotional response.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says, “Be angry and sin not . . .” (Eph. 4:26).  Here is some ancient wisdom about properly owning, using, and registering anger in a way that does not use it to violate another person or even yourself.   The verse also says, “Neither let the sun go down on your anger . . .”  That describes the need for releasing anger so that it is not stored up and turned into “cold” anger (e.g., malice, ill-will, resentment, bitterness).

Construct an Emotional Constellation for Emotional Awareness

This works with lots of other emotions.  Because emotions occur along a range and have varying degrees of intensity, we can gauge an emotion’s intensity on a scale and distinguish emotions at different levels of significance.

• What is the range of the emotion and on what scale?
• When is the emotion more intense, less intense?
• What is it?  What do you call it?

These questions and distinctions allow us to create emotional scales and distinguish emotions at different degrees.  This means that there are typically a constellation of emotions around an area of emotionality.  And as we did this with the Dislike Scale, we can do it with other emotions.

How?

1. Choose an emotion.
2. Make a list of similar emotions, words that indicate a closely related emotion.
3. Invent a continuum to put the emotions on.
4. Put the various emotions along the range of emotions from least to most intense.

Here are some more examples:

Here are some more examples:

Fear

• Terror
• Panic
• Paranoia
• Fear
• Worry
• Apprehension
• Stress
• Upset
• Out of sorts
• Avoidance

Sadness

• Depression
• Bitter, victim
• Emptiness
• Grief-stricken
• Grief
• Sadness
• Loss, miserable
• Hurt

Joy

• Ecstasy
• Happiness
• Delight
• Mirthful
• Joy
• Playful
• Pleasant
• Content

Guilt / Wrongness

• Overly conscientious
• Guiltiness
• Self-betrayal
• Pained Conscience
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Remorse
• Disappointed
• Feeling bad

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Emotional Mastery Series #3

In the past two articles, I have identified five of the seven truths about emotions, and with this one the last two truths.  As a kinesthetic sensation enriched by meaning (cognitively) an emotion exercises influence on us to get us to move (motion) out (ex) from where we are.   As a difference between map-and-territory, these mind-body systemic experiences create energy, motivation, and vitality within us.  They are therefore important, but not as ultimate truth, but as relative truth indicating what meanings our bodies are attempting to actualize.  As somatic registering of our meanings- they indicate the meanings that we are feeling.

5) Emotions are always right – relatively and conditionally to the map-territory situation.

Here is the paradox, while fully fallible (definition- “liable to error”) emotions are always right.  How is that?  They are right to the maps out of which they come and they are right in the context and situation that they are reflecting.  That’s why we should pay attention to them without falling into the falsehood of “obeying” them.  They do provide information, although that information may be erroneous.  And what this means is fabulous for human beings.

What this means is that there are no “bad” emotions.  Write that down. There are no bad emotions. The judgment of “bad” doesn’t apply to this mind-body function, an emotion is just an emotion.  It arises as a symptom of how you are thinking in relation to your expectations and skills.  They are not indicators of external reality.  Instead they indicate the relationship between our map and our experience of the territory.  In this, they are completely fallible and not an infallible voice or authority.  Our emotions can be very wrong and erroneous to the outside world, a reflection of distorted thinking and fallacious reasoning.

6) Emotions can be responded to in a variety of ways.

When it comes to emotions, you and I can respond to them in a wide range of ways.   We can listen to them, suppress them, ignore their message, obey them, release them, take them into consideration, etc.  Once we feel an emotion we can be chose how we will respond, listen to them, ignore them, or deal with them later.  So, how do you want to respond when you feel any given emotion?

The range of your choices and your flexibility of response describes your repertoire of skills in responding to your emotions.  So as you develop more and more ways of responding to your emotions, you’ll have a sense of more choice and more control in your life.  And as you do this, be sure to quality control your emotions.

What does it mean to quality control? It means to check to see that the emotion itself, how you are experiencing it, how you are creating it, what it is registering, and so on is useful for you, helpful, empowering, and enhancing.  After all, if emotions are fallible, functions of thinking, meaning-making, and experiencing the territory, then emotions need to be quality controlled for ecology and realism.

So, just because we feel something doesn’t demand that you act on it. Emotions can be distorted and even perverted.  What you feel may not be real.  You may be feeling an “old” emotion, a dated emotion, an imaginary emotion, and so on.  So check it out before you just react!  By quality controlling your emotions, you will discover that you have many more ways of responding to an emotion and that ultimately, you have that choice.

7) Emotions always habituate and become unconscious moods and attitudes.

When an emotion habituates, we live in it and lose awareness of it as an emotion.  Then the emotion becomes something else, it becomes a mood.  It becomes an attitude.  It becomes a generalized mind-set or disposition and when this happens it doesn’t so much feel like an emotion.  As it is repeated and habitualized, it feels so familiar and so comfortable, that you will experience it as “the way things are,” “what’s real,” and “life as you know it.”

Summary

Here then in summary are the 7 truths we speak about emotions in Neuro-Semantics.  These are not the only “truths” but central to being able to create and experience a healthy emotional intelligence and emotional mastery.

1. Emotions measure the map / territory difference; they are felt meanings.
2. Emotions are important as information signals.
3. Emotions are functions of the body as well as the mind.
4. Emotions are just emotions, not commands from heaven or our destiny.
5. Emotions are always right – relatively and conditionally to the map-territory situation.
6. Emotions can be responded to in a variety of ways.
7. Emotions always habituate and become unconscious moods and attitudes.

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Emotional Mastery Series #2

Last week I began this series on “Getting Clear on what an Emotion is.”  I started by beginning with the “7 Truths about Emotions” that we present in a good many of the Neuro-Semantic Trainings.  Here are two more for this week. These “truths” about emotions pick up on the theme to continue grounding this subject so that we know what we’re talking about and in that way we can create a good operational definition of an emotion.  Once this is complete, then I’ll present some skills for handling emotions from an NLP/Neuro-Semantic perspective for emotional mastery.

3) Emotions are functions of the body as well as the mind.

When we talk about “emotions” in NLP, we distinguish between a feeling and an emotion.  When I first learned this in NLP, I found this distinction and insight very useful.  Later when I check numerous books on anatomy or books in psychology, I saw this distinction again and again.  An emotion is a combination of a feeling and a cognition.

First is the neurology which is the “feeling.”  More technically, this is a kinesthetic distinction.  It could be inside kinesthetic (a proprioceptive sensation) or an outside kinesthetic.

Inside

• Relaxing- tense, tight
• Cold- warm – hot
• Rate of heart beating
• Skin sweating – shivering
• Eyes dilating – degree of
• Rhythm of movement
• Pulsating … quiet

Outside

• Rough – smooth (texture)
• Cold – warm – hot (temperature)
• Slimy – dry
• Hard – soft
• Thick – thin
• Wet – dry

Then, once you have a “feeling,” add a cognition to it (which gives it some meaning) and then you have an “emotion.”  This explain why four of the most basic emotions are the same in terms of the neurological sensations and differ not in terms of what’s occurring in our body, but from the differences that we compute in the mind.   The neurological state is called the “General Arousal Syndrome.”  It is what you may more commonly recognize as the Fight- Flight- Freeze Pattern.

At the level of neurologically and physiology, the four emotions begin with an arousal that causes the heart to beat faster, the lungs to pump oxygen harder, the glands to release adrenalin, the sweat glands to be activates, eyes to dilate, and so we are in general arousal sydrome.  But what “emotion” is this?  If the trigger is undesired and unwelcomed- then it could be fear or anger.  If you think you can handle it, anger; if not, fear.   If the trigger is desired, then excitement, and if sexually desired, then lust.  So four emotions- fear, anger, excitement, and lust all involve the same “feelings” in the body.  The distinguishing variable is that of the cognitive understand and meaning.  Hence again, number one definition: a relationship between mental map in one’s head and one’s experience in the territory of the world.

“Emotions” are somatic responses of the mind-body system which also explains why our emotions are susceptible to so many of the physical factors in our lives such as sleep, eating, exercising, health, illness, etc.  What and how you have been eating influences emotions as a contributing factor, so does your sleep habits, your exercise patterns, etc.

The “motion” part of an e-motion is the action of the motor cortex sending a message when we experience an emotion to move-out from where we are to some other place. Hence the original word, “ex (out) motion.”  Emotions move us to move out from where we are.  They give us the somatic boast of energy to move.

Where do emotions come from and what are they?  As e(x)motions, they are inner urges, activated by the motor cortex, moving us out from where we are. Neurologically, an emotion is “an action tendency” generated by the information in our context that activates our motor cortex and other brain structures (amygdala, thalamus, hypothalamus, adrenal gland, etc.). Understanding emotions in this way enables us to hold the tension between several realizations that are all simultaneously true.

As a neurological process, an emotions is not a thing, it is not solid and static.  It is an activity going on within our mind-body system and so produces it each moment as energies move us from where we are at to another place.

4) Emotions are just emotions, not commands from heaven or our destiny.

In the end, however, emotions are just emotions.   As the difference that we register in our body (soma, hence somatically) between our map of the world and our experience of the world, the emotion is just the motion generated in the body by the feeling of our meanings.  As such emotions are secondary and derivative of- mind-and-body.  This makes them symptoms of the functioning of our mind-and-body.  And that leads to the next understanding.

If “emotions” move us out from where we are because of the cognitive meaning within them so that they give us information about what fits or does not fit our sense of reality, then they are information, movement, energy, somatizing of meaning, but they are not commands from heaven.  They are not orders about what to do.  They do not set our destiny.  They are just emotions- the symptoms of our mind-body in action. Emotions are just emotions and so if we treat them as mind-body symptoms then we can effectively discover how we create them in our mind-body system.   Until the next Meta Reflection – to your highest and best!

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.